Easy Does It ~
Over the years, I have abused my body with food, no food and exercise. At 45 years old I have let go and allowed myself to love and appreciate my body. Punishing is no longer allowed.
I do not know when it happened that I started being uncomfortable in my body. Maybe 13…maybe at birth. I always wanted to be ‘thinner’. I would thrived on starving. For some reason, I felt more energy, more ‘in control’ of my life when I did this. It would come and go in waves. Sometimes I would gain weight and then I would get so uncomfy, I would STARVE and get really ‘thin’. I thrived on the compliments from others. All the compliments however could not stop the inner voice from saying terrible things about myself. I was never good enough.
I was the swim team captain in high school. Made it to States as a Senior. The odd thing about swimming, I was a rock star at it yet inside I HATED it. I would not sleep before swim meets and get sick to my stomach before my events. I threatened to quit all the time. I believe I drove my family crazy during swim season. The best thing I can remember is being so skinny and able to eat whatever I wanted all the time. Practices were so incredibly intense. I felt if I could just get thru them, I could eat anything all night.
I thrived on hanging with people that were as intense about exercise as me. I started running when I was 22 years old. I was 165 lbs. a size 12, smoking a pack a cigarrettes a day. In 8 months I was down to 125 lbs., size 6, starving and running my hiney off. I remember before my 1st wedding running as hard as I could. I had 1/2 hour to get ready for the wedding. I had not eaten in days so I could fit into my size 6 wedding dress. Needless to say, I do not remember much of that wedding.
The insanity of it all………more on part II