Easy Does It ~

Over the years, I have abused my body with food, no food and exercise.  At 45 years old I have let go and allowed myself to love and appreciate my body.  Punishing is no longer allowed.

I do not know when it happened that I started being uncomfortable in my body.  Maybe 13…maybe at birth.  I always wanted to be ‘thinner’.  I would thrived on starving.  For some reason, I felt more energy, more ‘in control’ of my life when I did this.  It would come and go in waves.  Sometimes I would gain weight and then I would get so uncomfy, I would STARVE and get really ‘thin’.  I thrived on the compliments from others.  All the compliments however could not stop the inner voice from saying terrible things about myself.  I was never good enough.

I was the swim team captain in high school. Made it to States as a Senior.  The odd thing about swimming, I was a rock star at it yet  inside I HATED it.  I would not sleep before swim meets and get sick to my stomach before my events.  I threatened to quit all the time.  I believe I drove my family crazy during swim season. The best thing I can remember is being so skinny and able to eat whatever I wanted all the time.  Practices were so incredibly intense.  I felt  if I could just get thru them, I could eat anything all night.

I thrived on hanging with people that were as intense about exercise as me.  I started running when I was 22 years old.  I was 165 lbs. a size 12, smoking a pack a cigarrettes a day.  In 8 months I was down to 125 lbs., size 6, starving and running my hiney off.  I remember before my 1st wedding running as hard as I could.  I had 1/2 hour to get ready for the wedding. I had not eaten in days so I could fit into my size 6 wedding dress.  Needless to say, I do not remember much of that wedding.

The insanity of it all………more on part II